Renewed Faith

I feel like writing, but I don't know what to say. I feel so blessed and loved and cared for, it's a bit overwhelming. I experienced a miracle first hand this past week. This miracle isn't over. It's only just begun. I have a renewed faith in my God. You know, you listen and believe that god will never leave you nor forsake you, that he would heal with sick and let the weary rest, but when you actually see it happening in your own family, it's amazing. I have renown faith in healing. This event is what will turn my household upside down. I believe that. I went through the attacks, here come the blessings. It will be hard at times, but as long as I hold onto this faith that I have now, that devil might as well just shoot himself in the foot. He won't get me. I believe.

It's okay Daddy, You can put me down in the sand now. I can walk next to You on my own now. Thank You for staying with me, keeping me in Your arms. Keeping me safe, and my family safe. Thank you for never leaving me. I love You, Daddy.

And I love you, too, Dad.

Jesus, I don't understand. I don't understand why people go back on what they say. Go back on promises. Say one thing and do another. And I don't understand why someone would be that open with their past in front of their kid. That brought TMI to another level. I didn't need to know that much. I didn't want to know that much. I don't know who to trust. I even have a hard time trusting you lately. I hate to say that, but it's not like you don't already know. Lord, please help me. I don't like this. I'm starting to hate life. And I know I shouldn't say that, because there are so many people with worse problems and situations. I don't know how to get out of this, Lord. Maybe reading my Bible more would help, but I don't even know where to start reading to help me with this. I just want it to be over. Lord, you see my heart. You know that through all of this, I love you, right? I do. I really do. Please don't put me down yet. Please, Daddy. Carry me. I'm too tired to walk. Please, don't put me down.

Alone!!

Today is a day of being alone. Everyone is out of the house. I am sitting in my living room watching Gilmore Girls as I type this. I haven't been in my living room for more than 10 minutes in months. I'm being loud and making strange noises and tapping out rhythms on the table, just because there is nobody around to tell me to stop. This is fun.

Last night was so much fun. Shattered ice, frozen T-shirts, red hands, lots of candy, political talk. It was everything I hoped for.

I really have nothing more to say. I am happy at the moment, and happy feels good. Happy feels right. Happy feels like a friend I haven't heard from in a while. I like happy. Happy should visit more often.

Home Sweet Home

This past weekend was a weekend in hell. I've called 3 places "home" in the past two days. 3 places that aren't my actual home. I've spent about 5 hours at home since 5 am Saturday morning. Most of the weekend was spent at the church. Then the Kilbournes'. Then the Tobins'. I also spent a few hours at the Edmiston household. Anywhere but home is where I wanted to be.

But today, as I sit in my room for the first time in 3 days, things seem a little calmer. I'm still not happy about the events that unfolded this weekend, but it's not chaos for the moment. There is one less in the house. Didn't even get to say goodbye. I wish her well, though. I pray she gets the best. Right now, she deserves the best.

In the midst of all this, I see just how much my friends are willing to pull for me. I've always known, but I got to see. Thank you, all of you. Sarah, Aly, Lisa, Mr. Mike, Caitlin, Liz. Thank you all so much. Especially Lisa. I don't know what I would have done if you weren't there. Thank you Aly and Sarah and Mr. Mike for the offers of a place to stay if I needed to. Right now, I think I'll be alright at home, at My home, for the time being.

I don't know how long the whole "no alcohol" thing is going to last, but with an alcoholic of 18+ years, I don't think it will last long. A week, maybe. Please, keep this in your prayers. If he is in this house with me one more time, and he's drunk, I'm out. I don't care how late, early, rainy, sunny, hot, freezing it is. I will not be in this house around another drunk person. I don't know where I'll go, but anywhere has to be better than that.

Through all of this, I feel blessed. I feel cared for. I feel loved. Wile E. Coyote tried. Oh boy, did he try. He thinks he's gonna win this, beat me. Ha. He will never beat me. I have the best RoadRunner on my side. And the RoadRunner always wins.