Newest Addition

Newest member of my family.

Lydia Jade Noach. Born December 22, 2008. I met her Tuesday Morning.
I love her.
Here is me and her with big sister Kairi Rose.

She looks so much like Kairi when she was born.

She's Beautiful. Love you, Lydia.

Just One of Those Days...

So my mother has 4 herniated discs in her back from the car accident in November. Fabulous. I need a job. Desperately. Praying for this job at the hospital. God will provide. I'm praying this is how He's providing. Also praying He provides a house for my extended family. Soon. I've realized that pretty much all of these posts on here aren't "happy", and are pretty much depressing. But, I don't care. This is my outlet. My venting place. Where I spill because nobody is listening.

On the positive side, my purity ring finally came in. I get it tomorrow. I'm excited.

Still praying for you Sarah. Pastor Grant has talked about and prayed for you in 180 the past two weeks. Know that you are loved. You are loved a lot.

Sporadic thoughts. Don't know what to write about first. Not sure what to say about anything.
In the last week, I have felt my relationship with God growing. Slowly, but surely. I love Him more and more each day. I love to sing His praises.
Mayce and I have decided that we don't talk enough. We are going to try to change that. We've also decided to go see Bride Wars as our birthday presents to ourselves. It should be fun. I miss hanging out with Mayce.
I can't fine the journal I took to Ireland. I found tea bags, rocks, a book, socks, leftover Euros, all this stuff I brought back from Ireland, yet I can't find the journal I wrote in over there. And I know I brought it back. This angers me.
I have a feeling my aunt and her family are going to move back to New Hampshire as soon as they get their income tax. I'm not sure how I feel about that. At this point, I just want them out of my house. But I don't necessarily want them to go back up north. They have nothing there.
Speaking of, my uncle's court date is coming up. My sister's been subpoenaed. She doesn't want to go. She'd afraid that my aunt and uncle are just going to blame her again. I told her as long as she tells the truth, she won't get in trouble, and if they are angry, they can be angry with him, because he was an idiot that night.
Aly and I are trying to plan a trip to go see Becka and Janelle over Spring Break. It's in the making. Nothing's definite.
I might be going to the TWLOHA Presents Heavy and Light on Sunday. Maybe. Hopefully. It'll be my first TWLOHA event. Hoping I get approval. It will be amazing.
Lovely's in AU. I'm excited to see what God's going to do in her while she's there. Looking forward to the posts and emails. Love you, Lovely. See you in December!

Please...

Can't I just be happy? I mean, why am I like this? I have no reason to be as upset as I am. Absolutely none. I can't remember a time when I was this unhappy for this long. It feels worse then the anniversary of when my grandma died. Worse then when I thought my dad was going to die. I feel like screaming and throwing things and punching the wall until my hand is bruised, anything to get my mind off of being unhappy. Why is satan attacking me? Honestly, what importance am I to him? I'm nothing. He doesn't care about me, he only cares about getting to God, so why toy with me? I don't understand this!!!! I just want it to stop!! I want to be happy!! God, why can't I get out of this?! Why won't You tell me how! Tell me what to do! I feel like You don't care. I hate being like this. I hate it! I hate crying for no reason, and I really have no legitimate reason. I hate insanely crying and then 5 seconds later I'm fine. In the time it's taken me to type this post, I've had about 3 breakdowns. I don't know what to do. I don't like being like this. It's scary. So so scary. I feel like I'm never going to be happy again.

I wish I could talk to Nicky. How I wish I would have gone to see her when I had the chance. I miss her so much, even though I didn't even see her for the last couple years of her life. Now I'll never see her again. I'm sorry, Nicky, I'm so so sorry. I don't know why I didn't come to see you, but I miss you, so much.

God, please. At this point, I'm not asking anymore...I'm begging. Please. I just want to be happy. I don't want to be like this anymore. It's draining me. I want to get closer to You, love You more, but I don't know how. Reading my Bible doesn't seem to help me. Isn't that weird? The book that has all the answers, and I can't find mine. I'm not mocking You, You know my heart. I'm hurting. My tear ducts are sore. I just want to be happy. I just...I want this all to stop... Please, Daddy...please. Make it stop...

2009

This New Year's has been the best, by far. Friends, RockBand, vandalizing, volley ball. Ah-mazing. This has been the best 24-hour peroid I've had in a long time. I'm thankful that we've made it to the new year. This past year hasn't been the best. here were good point in it, like turning 18, graduation, Ireland, but in general, I'm glad to see this year go. I don't make resolutions, because New Year's Day is just another day. But I promise myself I am going to try to live this year like it's the last, because you never know. You really don't. I'm praying I'll get closer to God. If nothing else happens, I want this more than anything. I'm also praying that this super fantastic amazing day that I had is the worst day I have all year.

Lord, I pray this year is a year of change. I pray this year is Your year. I pray that everything I do this year glorifies You. I want to please You. Only You.