Please...

Can't I just be happy? I mean, why am I like this? I have no reason to be as upset as I am. Absolutely none. I can't remember a time when I was this unhappy for this long. It feels worse then the anniversary of when my grandma died. Worse then when I thought my dad was going to die. I feel like screaming and throwing things and punching the wall until my hand is bruised, anything to get my mind off of being unhappy. Why is satan attacking me? Honestly, what importance am I to him? I'm nothing. He doesn't care about me, he only cares about getting to God, so why toy with me? I don't understand this!!!! I just want it to stop!! I want to be happy!! God, why can't I get out of this?! Why won't You tell me how! Tell me what to do! I feel like You don't care. I hate being like this. I hate it! I hate crying for no reason, and I really have no legitimate reason. I hate insanely crying and then 5 seconds later I'm fine. In the time it's taken me to type this post, I've had about 3 breakdowns. I don't know what to do. I don't like being like this. It's scary. So so scary. I feel like I'm never going to be happy again.

I wish I could talk to Nicky. How I wish I would have gone to see her when I had the chance. I miss her so much, even though I didn't even see her for the last couple years of her life. Now I'll never see her again. I'm sorry, Nicky, I'm so so sorry. I don't know why I didn't come to see you, but I miss you, so much.

God, please. At this point, I'm not asking anymore...I'm begging. Please. I just want to be happy. I don't want to be like this anymore. It's draining me. I want to get closer to You, love You more, but I don't know how. Reading my Bible doesn't seem to help me. Isn't that weird? The book that has all the answers, and I can't find mine. I'm not mocking You, You know my heart. I'm hurting. My tear ducts are sore. I just want to be happy. I just...I want this all to stop... Please, Daddy...please. Make it stop...