Do you ever get in that mood where you just feel like crying and there's no specific reason behind it? I've been in that mood a lot lately. Tears just start flowing, and most of the time I don't know why. Sometimes I feel useless, because people come to me with issues and situtations where they need advice or guidance or just someone to listen to them, and no matter what I tell them, whether it helps them or not, I feel like I could have done better. I feel like my relationship with God is fading. I know it's not Him, because He never leaves us, so then it must be me. My relationship with Him could be so much better. I don't know what to do, what to pray, what verses to read that will help me. I feel like a failure sometimes. Like if I would have done something different, went back to school in September, put more money away than I did, turned left that one time instead of right anything, then my outlook on my life would be different, better. I don't know who I am in Christ. I don't know who I am period. I feel so lost sometimes, so alone. I feel insignificant and unimportant. Sometimes I feel like nobody cares. I know none of that is true, but sometimes I can't help feeling that some of the relationships I'm in are one way, does that make sense? Like I'm the only one giving anything. I need Jesus, so badly, and I don't know how to get him back like before. I don't know what to pray. I feel like just crying and pretending he's holding me, because somehow, that feels comforting.
I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe I'm just causing drama in my own life, looking for attention. I don't mean to. That's not my intention. I don't know who to talk to. I feel bad talking to God, because I haven't talked to Him in so long, like really talked to Him. I just want things back the way they were a few months ago.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Sunday, December 21, 2008
12 Days of Christmas
My mother found this. I thought it was interesting:
From 1558 until 1829 Roman Catholics weren't allowed to to practice their faith openly. So someone wrote this carol with a hidden meaning known only to the members of the church so the kids could remember.
~ The partridge in a pear tree was Jesus.
~Two turtle doves were the Old and New Testaments.
~Three French hens stood for faith, hope, and love.
~Four calling bird were the four gospels; Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John
~Five golden rings recalled the Torah or Law; the first five books of the Old Testament
~Six geese a-laying stood for the six days of creation
~Seven swans a-swimming represented the sevenfold gifts of the Holy Spirit; Prophesy, Serving, Teaching, Exhortation, Contribution, Leadership, and Mercy
~Eight maids a-milking were the eight beatitudes
~Nine ladies dancing were the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit; Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control
~Ten lords a-leaping were the Ten Commandments
~Eleven pipers piping stood for the eleven faithful disciples
~Twelve drummers drumming symbolized the twelve points of belief in the Apostles' Creed
Cool, huh?
From 1558 until 1829 Roman Catholics weren't allowed to to practice their faith openly. So someone wrote this carol with a hidden meaning known only to the members of the church so the kids could remember.
~ The partridge in a pear tree was Jesus.
~Two turtle doves were the Old and New Testaments.
~Three French hens stood for faith, hope, and love.
~Four calling bird were the four gospels; Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John
~Five golden rings recalled the Torah or Law; the first five books of the Old Testament
~Six geese a-laying stood for the six days of creation
~Seven swans a-swimming represented the sevenfold gifts of the Holy Spirit; Prophesy, Serving, Teaching, Exhortation, Contribution, Leadership, and Mercy
~Eight maids a-milking were the eight beatitudes
~Nine ladies dancing were the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit; Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control
~Ten lords a-leaping were the Ten Commandments
~Eleven pipers piping stood for the eleven faithful disciples
~Twelve drummers drumming symbolized the twelve points of belief in the Apostles' Creed
Cool, huh?
Friday, December 12, 2008
Ms. DeFrancisco
I got a job offer today. Wasn't looking for it. Didn't ask for it. Didn't even know it was out there and available. But she came to my door and said, "Hey, you looking for a job? Come talk with me."
It's at a church. It's ministry. It's kids. Little kids. 2 - 5 year old kids. 12 of them. And me. Me as the teacher. Not teacher's aid. Teacher. Me, their preschool teacher.
What more could I ask for? Little kids. I've always said I wanted to work with kids. Teaching. Ever since I was little, I've been told I'd make a great teacher. Ministry. I love working at church. This job was made for me, and, if I say yes and training goes well, it's pretty much being placed in my lap. This has to be God. It has to be. There's no way all of the things I love could be molded into one job and brought to me by accident. The person who told me about it actually drove to my house, walked down my hallway and offered it. Well, told me about it.
I need to pray. I need to ask God what He wants. I hope He wants this.
It's at a church. It's ministry. It's kids. Little kids. 2 - 5 year old kids. 12 of them. And me. Me as the teacher. Not teacher's aid. Teacher. Me, their preschool teacher.
What more could I ask for? Little kids. I've always said I wanted to work with kids. Teaching. Ever since I was little, I've been told I'd make a great teacher. Ministry. I love working at church. This job was made for me, and, if I say yes and training goes well, it's pretty much being placed in my lap. This has to be God. It has to be. There's no way all of the things I love could be molded into one job and brought to me by accident. The person who told me about it actually drove to my house, walked down my hallway and offered it. Well, told me about it.
I need to pray. I need to ask God what He wants. I hope He wants this.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Word Vomit
So I just feel like typing today. Word vomit. That's all that's gonna come out. I don't even know what I'm gonna type. This should be fun.
So my brother decided to throw a brick in the air today. Just throw it up and catch it. That's stupid in itself. But he then proceeded to throw it around the vehicles parked in my driveway. He threw it up, and it came down, through the back window of my aunt's van. Boy, that was fun. That's two windows broken on that vehicle now.
My vehicle still lacks insurance. Geico kicked me off because they heard I don't live with my parents anymore. Silly rumors.
I absolutely adore my cousin Kairi. She's the smartest two-year-old I know. And she's adorable. She's going to be a big sister soon. Pretty much any day now. Little Lydia Jade. Can't wait for her.
I have come to the realization that I hate Christmas shopping. I don't know what to get anyone. Mom and Dad's were easy this year. And Milissa's I found by chance. And Ricky is young enough that you can still get him anything and he'll be happy. I got both Christmas and birthday for him. My problem is when it comes to friends. I don't go and get every single one of my friends a present, but I do get for those I'm close to, I try to go the extra mile besides a card and some cute little saying. Only I don't know what to get them this year, and I don't have much time left.
Sarah's departure date is creeping up. I think we are distracted by Christmas to realize that it's not terribly far away, and once Christmas passes, there really isn't much time. I'm excited for her, and scared for her, and extremely happy for her. I can't wait for her dream to begin. I hope we have a chance to have some Lovely-Mandarin time before she goes, but I'm not sure if that's going to happen, seeing as half of Florida wants their time with her as well.
I am so confused about where I should stand. Is it too soon? Is it "fair game"? Is it "betraying" a friendship? All I know is every time I think about this particular subject, my heart smiles. I don't know if that's necessarily a good thing at this point. I'm praying for God's guidance on this one. Really. I don't want to even think anything that will distract me from Him, and so far, I've been failing. Forgive me, Lord. Help me keep my mind straight and my eyes looking forward.
There's one kitten left. Tigger Felicity DeFran-Greco. Damieon combined all the names because Angelic and I kept arguing. Poor little kitten. She will always be Tigger to me.
I like the missions drama. A lot better than last year's. I am in love with the chorus:
"Give me Your eyes for just one second,
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missin'
Give me Your love for humanity
Give me Your arms for the broken hearted,
The ones who are far beyond my reach.
Give me Your heart for the ones forgotten.
Give me Your eye so I can see."
The bold is my favorite line of the whole song. I want that. I want to be there for the broken hearted, I want to use my arms to extend God's love to them. I want to hold them and cry with them and tell them it's all going to be okay, because God loves them, and He can fix everything if you only ask and believe that He can. That's what I want.
So my brother decided to throw a brick in the air today. Just throw it up and catch it. That's stupid in itself. But he then proceeded to throw it around the vehicles parked in my driveway. He threw it up, and it came down, through the back window of my aunt's van. Boy, that was fun. That's two windows broken on that vehicle now.
My vehicle still lacks insurance. Geico kicked me off because they heard I don't live with my parents anymore. Silly rumors.
I absolutely adore my cousin Kairi. She's the smartest two-year-old I know. And she's adorable. She's going to be a big sister soon. Pretty much any day now. Little Lydia Jade. Can't wait for her.
I have come to the realization that I hate Christmas shopping. I don't know what to get anyone. Mom and Dad's were easy this year. And Milissa's I found by chance. And Ricky is young enough that you can still get him anything and he'll be happy. I got both Christmas and birthday for him. My problem is when it comes to friends. I don't go and get every single one of my friends a present, but I do get for those I'm close to, I try to go the extra mile besides a card and some cute little saying. Only I don't know what to get them this year, and I don't have much time left.
Sarah's departure date is creeping up. I think we are distracted by Christmas to realize that it's not terribly far away, and once Christmas passes, there really isn't much time. I'm excited for her, and scared for her, and extremely happy for her. I can't wait for her dream to begin. I hope we have a chance to have some Lovely-Mandarin time before she goes, but I'm not sure if that's going to happen, seeing as half of Florida wants their time with her as well.
I am so confused about where I should stand. Is it too soon? Is it "fair game"? Is it "betraying" a friendship? All I know is every time I think about this particular subject, my heart smiles. I don't know if that's necessarily a good thing at this point. I'm praying for God's guidance on this one. Really. I don't want to even think anything that will distract me from Him, and so far, I've been failing. Forgive me, Lord. Help me keep my mind straight and my eyes looking forward.
There's one kitten left. Tigger Felicity DeFran-Greco. Damieon combined all the names because Angelic and I kept arguing. Poor little kitten. She will always be Tigger to me.
I like the missions drama. A lot better than last year's. I am in love with the chorus:
"Give me Your eyes for just one second,
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missin'
Give me Your love for humanity
Give me Your arms for the broken hearted,
The ones who are far beyond my reach.
Give me Your heart for the ones forgotten.
Give me Your eye so I can see."
The bold is my favorite line of the whole song. I want that. I want to be there for the broken hearted, I want to use my arms to extend God's love to them. I want to hold them and cry with them and tell them it's all going to be okay, because God loves them, and He can fix everything if you only ask and believe that He can. That's what I want.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Productivity
I feel productive, even though I got up at noon today. I've done a lot in the past 2 and a half hours. I called April to remind her about Prism. I went to the laundry matt to do my laundry because my washer is busted. I went and got some lunch. I brought my wet laundry home and threw it in the dryer. And after I'm done typing this up, I have to go get gas, go get Krystal from school, get a newspaper, make a copy ofa picture, take a shower, and head to drama. Then after drama, I believe we are finally setting up our Christmas tree.
I love Christmas. This year is different, though. I mean, Christmas is definately not what it used to be when I was younger, in my childlike eyes. This year, for me, it's all about giving. I don't really care what I get in return, if I get anything. I'll admit that past Christmas's I've been a bit selfish, but I'm over that. I want to give those I care about something that will truly make them happy, and that's hard for some people. I don't know what would make some of my friends happy, especially my friends who need to be happy, truly happy.
I'm praying for miracles this Christmas. I'm praying that those who feel lost and lonely will feel wanted and loved. Those who need a touch from God get it. I pray for the reuniting for broken families, the mending of broken hearts, and the kindness of strangers.
In Jesus's name,
Amen
I love Christmas. This year is different, though. I mean, Christmas is definately not what it used to be when I was younger, in my childlike eyes. This year, for me, it's all about giving. I don't really care what I get in return, if I get anything. I'll admit that past Christmas's I've been a bit selfish, but I'm over that. I want to give those I care about something that will truly make them happy, and that's hard for some people. I don't know what would make some of my friends happy, especially my friends who need to be happy, truly happy.
I'm praying for miracles this Christmas. I'm praying that those who feel lost and lonely will feel wanted and loved. Those who need a touch from God get it. I pray for the reuniting for broken families, the mending of broken hearts, and the kindness of strangers.
In Jesus's name,
Amen
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Renewed Faith
I feel like writing, but I don't know what to say. I feel so blessed and loved and cared for, it's a bit overwhelming. I experienced a miracle first hand this past week. This miracle isn't over. It's only just begun. I have a renewed faith in my God. You know, you listen and believe that god will never leave you nor forsake you, that he would heal with sick and let the weary rest, but when you actually see it happening in your own family, it's amazing. I have renown faith in healing. This event is what will turn my household upside down. I believe that. I went through the attacks, here come the blessings. It will be hard at times, but as long as I hold onto this faith that I have now, that devil might as well just shoot himself in the foot. He won't get me. I believe.
It's okay Daddy, You can put me down in the sand now. I can walk next to You on my own now. Thank You for staying with me, keeping me in Your arms. Keeping me safe, and my family safe. Thank you for never leaving me. I love You, Daddy.
And I love you, too, Dad.
It's okay Daddy, You can put me down in the sand now. I can walk next to You on my own now. Thank You for staying with me, keeping me in Your arms. Keeping me safe, and my family safe. Thank you for never leaving me. I love You, Daddy.
And I love you, too, Dad.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Jesus, I don't understand. I don't understand why people go back on what they say. Go back on promises. Say one thing and do another. And I don't understand why someone would be that open with their past in front of their kid. That brought TMI to another level. I didn't need to know that much. I didn't want to know that much. I don't know who to trust. I even have a hard time trusting you lately. I hate to say that, but it's not like you don't already know. Lord, please help me. I don't like this. I'm starting to hate life. And I know I shouldn't say that, because there are so many people with worse problems and situations. I don't know how to get out of this, Lord. Maybe reading my Bible more would help, but I don't even know where to start reading to help me with this. I just want it to be over. Lord, you see my heart. You know that through all of this, I love you, right? I do. I really do. Please don't put me down yet. Please, Daddy. Carry me. I'm too tired to walk. Please, don't put me down.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Alone!!
Today is a day of being alone. Everyone is out of the house. I am sitting in my living room watching Gilmore Girls as I type this. I haven't been in my living room for more than 10 minutes in months. I'm being loud and making strange noises and tapping out rhythms on the table, just because there is nobody around to tell me to stop. This is fun.
Last night was so much fun. Shattered ice, frozen T-shirts, red hands, lots of candy, political talk. It was everything I hoped for.
I really have nothing more to say. I am happy at the moment, and happy feels good. Happy feels right. Happy feels like a friend I haven't heard from in a while. I like happy. Happy should visit more often.
Last night was so much fun. Shattered ice, frozen T-shirts, red hands, lots of candy, political talk. It was everything I hoped for.
I really have nothing more to say. I am happy at the moment, and happy feels good. Happy feels right. Happy feels like a friend I haven't heard from in a while. I like happy. Happy should visit more often.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Home Sweet Home
This past weekend was a weekend in hell. I've called 3 places "home" in the past two days. 3 places that aren't my actual home. I've spent about 5 hours at home since 5 am Saturday morning. Most of the weekend was spent at the church. Then the Kilbournes'. Then the Tobins'. I also spent a few hours at the Edmiston household. Anywhere but home is where I wanted to be.
But today, as I sit in my room for the first time in 3 days, things seem a little calmer. I'm still not happy about the events that unfolded this weekend, but it's not chaos for the moment. There is one less in the house. Didn't even get to say goodbye. I wish her well, though. I pray she gets the best. Right now, she deserves the best.
In the midst of all this, I see just how much my friends are willing to pull for me. I've always known, but I got to see. Thank you, all of you. Sarah, Aly, Lisa, Mr. Mike, Caitlin, Liz. Thank you all so much. Especially Lisa. I don't know what I would have done if you weren't there. Thank you Aly and Sarah and Mr. Mike for the offers of a place to stay if I needed to. Right now, I think I'll be alright at home, at My home, for the time being.
I don't know how long the whole "no alcohol" thing is going to last, but with an alcoholic of 18+ years, I don't think it will last long. A week, maybe. Please, keep this in your prayers. If he is in this house with me one more time, and he's drunk, I'm out. I don't care how late, early, rainy, sunny, hot, freezing it is. I will not be in this house around another drunk person. I don't know where I'll go, but anywhere has to be better than that.
Through all of this, I feel blessed. I feel cared for. I feel loved. Wile E. Coyote tried. Oh boy, did he try. He thinks he's gonna win this, beat me. Ha. He will never beat me. I have the best RoadRunner on my side. And the RoadRunner always wins.
But today, as I sit in my room for the first time in 3 days, things seem a little calmer. I'm still not happy about the events that unfolded this weekend, but it's not chaos for the moment. There is one less in the house. Didn't even get to say goodbye. I wish her well, though. I pray she gets the best. Right now, she deserves the best.
In the midst of all this, I see just how much my friends are willing to pull for me. I've always known, but I got to see. Thank you, all of you. Sarah, Aly, Lisa, Mr. Mike, Caitlin, Liz. Thank you all so much. Especially Lisa. I don't know what I would have done if you weren't there. Thank you Aly and Sarah and Mr. Mike for the offers of a place to stay if I needed to. Right now, I think I'll be alright at home, at My home, for the time being.
I don't know how long the whole "no alcohol" thing is going to last, but with an alcoholic of 18+ years, I don't think it will last long. A week, maybe. Please, keep this in your prayers. If he is in this house with me one more time, and he's drunk, I'm out. I don't care how late, early, rainy, sunny, hot, freezing it is. I will not be in this house around another drunk person. I don't know where I'll go, but anywhere has to be better than that.
Through all of this, I feel blessed. I feel cared for. I feel loved. Wile E. Coyote tried. Oh boy, did he try. He thinks he's gonna win this, beat me. Ha. He will never beat me. I have the best RoadRunner on my side. And the RoadRunner always wins.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Happy Freaking Halloween
So today was a good day. I got up early, took my sister to the doctor, went and voted for the first time. Went to the church. Got to drive Sarah around in my car, which was so weird. Worked on signs for the Harvest Festival. Played with Zachary. Worked on signs for the Harvest Festival. Cut paper. Worked on signs for the Harvest Festival. Learned that painting really is therapeutic. Today was a good day. "Was" being the key word.
I come home tonight after 10 or so hours at the church to chaos. 4 adults, 4 people over the age of 30, live in my house. I come home to one sleeping, two out at a party, and one going insane. Like really insane. Like, "Holy crap, I feel like I'm going to throw up but I can't even go to the bathroom because I'm to afraid to leave my room" insane.
Threats. Alcohol. Shattered glass. Alcohol. Feeling abandoned. Alcohol. Fear. Tears. Alcohol.
This is my home. Home sweet home.
I hate being home.
I come home tonight after 10 or so hours at the church to chaos. 4 adults, 4 people over the age of 30, live in my house. I come home to one sleeping, two out at a party, and one going insane. Like really insane. Like, "Holy crap, I feel like I'm going to throw up but I can't even go to the bathroom because I'm to afraid to leave my room" insane.
Threats. Alcohol. Shattered glass. Alcohol. Feeling abandoned. Alcohol. Fear. Tears. Alcohol.
This is my home. Home sweet home.
I hate being home.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Good Enough
I am good enough. Good enough for God. Good enough for my family. Good enough for my friends. Good enough just how I am, me. Not the things I do. I am loved for me, not for the things I do. The burden of the unsaved people in my life is no longer on my shoulders. It's no longer weighing me down. I refuse to believe the lies of "failure". No more will I be tired and weary. I will work out of His strength, and not my own.
You hear that, Wile E. Coyote. You plans have backfired. I will not be taken down. You can't have me anymore!
I AM good enough.
What an amazing service.
You hear that, Wile E. Coyote. You plans have backfired. I will not be taken down. You can't have me anymore!
I AM good enough.
What an amazing service.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Benefit for Lovely
Tired. Sick. Need sleep, but can't sleep. Sarah's benefit went well. Some of it was a little stressful, but it was only stressful because I made it so. Janelle was there. I was glad to see her, and she liked the puppet song, so that made me feel good. Amy was there too. My friend of a friend. Caitlin wants to make me look pretty for Christmas Eve. Okay, man. Whatever you want.
I think my favorite performance of the night was Carlee and Sarah at the end. April came over to me when it started and put her arm around me and whispered something in my ear. I won't share, because it's a Me-and-April moment, but I will share that April and I feel the same way about Sarah leaving. I realized that tonight.
This week hasn't been the best, but tonight made it better. Made me forget about the bad things of the week for a few hours, which was nice. I love my church family. I love knowing I have 10 moms. I love having friends who feel more like sisters. I love that when tables turn for the worse that the whole church pulls together and takes control; some even come from North Carolina on a Saturday to teach childrens church on Sunday.
PG, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. You will get through this. And know that your church family is here to help you in any way that you need.
Well, Lovely. Tonight was a success in my eyes. You are blessed. You are loved. And you will do great things for God's Kingdom. I'm honored to know someone who has such a high calling.
I learn to love my Jesus more and more each day. I'm still not at a place where I'm ready for Him to put me down and let me walk along side Him again, but I know He won't let me down until He knows I can stand on my own. I am so greatful to have a God that loves me like He does.
I think my favorite performance of the night was Carlee and Sarah at the end. April came over to me when it started and put her arm around me and whispered something in my ear. I won't share, because it's a Me-and-April moment, but I will share that April and I feel the same way about Sarah leaving. I realized that tonight.
This week hasn't been the best, but tonight made it better. Made me forget about the bad things of the week for a few hours, which was nice. I love my church family. I love knowing I have 10 moms. I love having friends who feel more like sisters. I love that when tables turn for the worse that the whole church pulls together and takes control; some even come from North Carolina on a Saturday to teach childrens church on Sunday.
PG, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. You will get through this. And know that your church family is here to help you in any way that you need.
Well, Lovely. Tonight was a success in my eyes. You are blessed. You are loved. And you will do great things for God's Kingdom. I'm honored to know someone who has such a high calling.
I learn to love my Jesus more and more each day. I'm still not at a place where I'm ready for Him to put me down and let me walk along side Him again, but I know He won't let me down until He knows I can stand on my own. I am so greatful to have a God that loves me like He does.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Conversations
This blog is going to be used as my prayer outlet. This is what seems more like conversation and less like prayer to me.
Jesus is all around me, whether I can see him, feel him, smell him, sense him, or not. I am so glad that through all my doubts and my worry and my fear, I still have faith enough to believe in the Footprints poem. I'm at a point in my life where there is only one set of footprints. He is carrying me. I know He is. I believe He is. I know He doesn't like to see me hurting, because when I hurt, He hurts. I'm not sure exactly what He wants me to do to get myself out of this rut that I'm in. But maybe that's it. Maybe it's not supposed to be me. Maybe I have to fully trust Him to take care of it. Maybe that's what He's waiting for. I don't know, and I wish I did. But I do know that God loves me enough to stick this out with me, that he won't give up on me, that He will surround me with people who will help me out and slap me in the face when I get stubborn and feel like not caring anymore.
I am God's Pearl. He's making me beautiful, one irritation at a time.
Jesus is all around me, whether I can see him, feel him, smell him, sense him, or not. I am so glad that through all my doubts and my worry and my fear, I still have faith enough to believe in the Footprints poem. I'm at a point in my life where there is only one set of footprints. He is carrying me. I know He is. I believe He is. I know He doesn't like to see me hurting, because when I hurt, He hurts. I'm not sure exactly what He wants me to do to get myself out of this rut that I'm in. But maybe that's it. Maybe it's not supposed to be me. Maybe I have to fully trust Him to take care of it. Maybe that's what He's waiting for. I don't know, and I wish I did. But I do know that God loves me enough to stick this out with me, that he won't give up on me, that He will surround me with people who will help me out and slap me in the face when I get stubborn and feel like not caring anymore.
I am God's Pearl. He's making me beautiful, one irritation at a time.
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