Do you ever get in that mood where you just feel like crying and there's no specific reason behind it? I've been in that mood a lot lately. Tears just start flowing, and most of the time I don't know why. Sometimes I feel useless, because people come to me with issues and situtations where they need advice or guidance or just someone to listen to them, and no matter what I tell them, whether it helps them or not, I feel like I could have done better. I feel like my relationship with God is fading. I know it's not Him, because He never leaves us, so then it must be me. My relationship with Him could be so much better. I don't know what to do, what to pray, what verses to read that will help me. I feel like a failure sometimes. Like if I would have done something different, went back to school in September, put more money away than I did, turned left that one time instead of right anything, then my outlook on my life would be different, better. I don't know who I am in Christ. I don't know who I am period. I feel so lost sometimes, so alone. I feel insignificant and unimportant. Sometimes I feel like nobody cares. I know none of that is true, but sometimes I can't help feeling that some of the relationships I'm in are one way, does that make sense? Like I'm the only one giving anything. I need Jesus, so badly, and I don't know how to get him back like before. I don't know what to pray. I feel like just crying and pretending he's holding me, because somehow, that feels comforting.
I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe I'm just causing drama in my own life, looking for attention. I don't mean to. That's not my intention. I don't know who to talk to. I feel bad talking to God, because I haven't talked to Him in so long, like really talked to Him. I just want things back the way they were a few months ago.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Sunday, December 21, 2008
12 Days of Christmas
My mother found this. I thought it was interesting:
From 1558 until 1829 Roman Catholics weren't allowed to to practice their faith openly. So someone wrote this carol with a hidden meaning known only to the members of the church so the kids could remember.
~ The partridge in a pear tree was Jesus.
~Two turtle doves were the Old and New Testaments.
~Three French hens stood for faith, hope, and love.
~Four calling bird were the four gospels; Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John
~Five golden rings recalled the Torah or Law; the first five books of the Old Testament
~Six geese a-laying stood for the six days of creation
~Seven swans a-swimming represented the sevenfold gifts of the Holy Spirit; Prophesy, Serving, Teaching, Exhortation, Contribution, Leadership, and Mercy
~Eight maids a-milking were the eight beatitudes
~Nine ladies dancing were the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit; Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control
~Ten lords a-leaping were the Ten Commandments
~Eleven pipers piping stood for the eleven faithful disciples
~Twelve drummers drumming symbolized the twelve points of belief in the Apostles' Creed
Cool, huh?
From 1558 until 1829 Roman Catholics weren't allowed to to practice their faith openly. So someone wrote this carol with a hidden meaning known only to the members of the church so the kids could remember.
~ The partridge in a pear tree was Jesus.
~Two turtle doves were the Old and New Testaments.
~Three French hens stood for faith, hope, and love.
~Four calling bird were the four gospels; Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John
~Five golden rings recalled the Torah or Law; the first five books of the Old Testament
~Six geese a-laying stood for the six days of creation
~Seven swans a-swimming represented the sevenfold gifts of the Holy Spirit; Prophesy, Serving, Teaching, Exhortation, Contribution, Leadership, and Mercy
~Eight maids a-milking were the eight beatitudes
~Nine ladies dancing were the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit; Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control
~Ten lords a-leaping were the Ten Commandments
~Eleven pipers piping stood for the eleven faithful disciples
~Twelve drummers drumming symbolized the twelve points of belief in the Apostles' Creed
Cool, huh?
Friday, December 12, 2008
Ms. DeFrancisco
I got a job offer today. Wasn't looking for it. Didn't ask for it. Didn't even know it was out there and available. But she came to my door and said, "Hey, you looking for a job? Come talk with me."
It's at a church. It's ministry. It's kids. Little kids. 2 - 5 year old kids. 12 of them. And me. Me as the teacher. Not teacher's aid. Teacher. Me, their preschool teacher.
What more could I ask for? Little kids. I've always said I wanted to work with kids. Teaching. Ever since I was little, I've been told I'd make a great teacher. Ministry. I love working at church. This job was made for me, and, if I say yes and training goes well, it's pretty much being placed in my lap. This has to be God. It has to be. There's no way all of the things I love could be molded into one job and brought to me by accident. The person who told me about it actually drove to my house, walked down my hallway and offered it. Well, told me about it.
I need to pray. I need to ask God what He wants. I hope He wants this.
It's at a church. It's ministry. It's kids. Little kids. 2 - 5 year old kids. 12 of them. And me. Me as the teacher. Not teacher's aid. Teacher. Me, their preschool teacher.
What more could I ask for? Little kids. I've always said I wanted to work with kids. Teaching. Ever since I was little, I've been told I'd make a great teacher. Ministry. I love working at church. This job was made for me, and, if I say yes and training goes well, it's pretty much being placed in my lap. This has to be God. It has to be. There's no way all of the things I love could be molded into one job and brought to me by accident. The person who told me about it actually drove to my house, walked down my hallway and offered it. Well, told me about it.
I need to pray. I need to ask God what He wants. I hope He wants this.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Word Vomit
So I just feel like typing today. Word vomit. That's all that's gonna come out. I don't even know what I'm gonna type. This should be fun.
So my brother decided to throw a brick in the air today. Just throw it up and catch it. That's stupid in itself. But he then proceeded to throw it around the vehicles parked in my driveway. He threw it up, and it came down, through the back window of my aunt's van. Boy, that was fun. That's two windows broken on that vehicle now.
My vehicle still lacks insurance. Geico kicked me off because they heard I don't live with my parents anymore. Silly rumors.
I absolutely adore my cousin Kairi. She's the smartest two-year-old I know. And she's adorable. She's going to be a big sister soon. Pretty much any day now. Little Lydia Jade. Can't wait for her.
I have come to the realization that I hate Christmas shopping. I don't know what to get anyone. Mom and Dad's were easy this year. And Milissa's I found by chance. And Ricky is young enough that you can still get him anything and he'll be happy. I got both Christmas and birthday for him. My problem is when it comes to friends. I don't go and get every single one of my friends a present, but I do get for those I'm close to, I try to go the extra mile besides a card and some cute little saying. Only I don't know what to get them this year, and I don't have much time left.
Sarah's departure date is creeping up. I think we are distracted by Christmas to realize that it's not terribly far away, and once Christmas passes, there really isn't much time. I'm excited for her, and scared for her, and extremely happy for her. I can't wait for her dream to begin. I hope we have a chance to have some Lovely-Mandarin time before she goes, but I'm not sure if that's going to happen, seeing as half of Florida wants their time with her as well.
I am so confused about where I should stand. Is it too soon? Is it "fair game"? Is it "betraying" a friendship? All I know is every time I think about this particular subject, my heart smiles. I don't know if that's necessarily a good thing at this point. I'm praying for God's guidance on this one. Really. I don't want to even think anything that will distract me from Him, and so far, I've been failing. Forgive me, Lord. Help me keep my mind straight and my eyes looking forward.
There's one kitten left. Tigger Felicity DeFran-Greco. Damieon combined all the names because Angelic and I kept arguing. Poor little kitten. She will always be Tigger to me.
I like the missions drama. A lot better than last year's. I am in love with the chorus:
"Give me Your eyes for just one second,
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missin'
Give me Your love for humanity
Give me Your arms for the broken hearted,
The ones who are far beyond my reach.
Give me Your heart for the ones forgotten.
Give me Your eye so I can see."
The bold is my favorite line of the whole song. I want that. I want to be there for the broken hearted, I want to use my arms to extend God's love to them. I want to hold them and cry with them and tell them it's all going to be okay, because God loves them, and He can fix everything if you only ask and believe that He can. That's what I want.
So my brother decided to throw a brick in the air today. Just throw it up and catch it. That's stupid in itself. But he then proceeded to throw it around the vehicles parked in my driveway. He threw it up, and it came down, through the back window of my aunt's van. Boy, that was fun. That's two windows broken on that vehicle now.
My vehicle still lacks insurance. Geico kicked me off because they heard I don't live with my parents anymore. Silly rumors.
I absolutely adore my cousin Kairi. She's the smartest two-year-old I know. And she's adorable. She's going to be a big sister soon. Pretty much any day now. Little Lydia Jade. Can't wait for her.
I have come to the realization that I hate Christmas shopping. I don't know what to get anyone. Mom and Dad's were easy this year. And Milissa's I found by chance. And Ricky is young enough that you can still get him anything and he'll be happy. I got both Christmas and birthday for him. My problem is when it comes to friends. I don't go and get every single one of my friends a present, but I do get for those I'm close to, I try to go the extra mile besides a card and some cute little saying. Only I don't know what to get them this year, and I don't have much time left.
Sarah's departure date is creeping up. I think we are distracted by Christmas to realize that it's not terribly far away, and once Christmas passes, there really isn't much time. I'm excited for her, and scared for her, and extremely happy for her. I can't wait for her dream to begin. I hope we have a chance to have some Lovely-Mandarin time before she goes, but I'm not sure if that's going to happen, seeing as half of Florida wants their time with her as well.
I am so confused about where I should stand. Is it too soon? Is it "fair game"? Is it "betraying" a friendship? All I know is every time I think about this particular subject, my heart smiles. I don't know if that's necessarily a good thing at this point. I'm praying for God's guidance on this one. Really. I don't want to even think anything that will distract me from Him, and so far, I've been failing. Forgive me, Lord. Help me keep my mind straight and my eyes looking forward.
There's one kitten left. Tigger Felicity DeFran-Greco. Damieon combined all the names because Angelic and I kept arguing. Poor little kitten. She will always be Tigger to me.
I like the missions drama. A lot better than last year's. I am in love with the chorus:
"Give me Your eyes for just one second,
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missin'
Give me Your love for humanity
Give me Your arms for the broken hearted,
The ones who are far beyond my reach.
Give me Your heart for the ones forgotten.
Give me Your eye so I can see."
The bold is my favorite line of the whole song. I want that. I want to be there for the broken hearted, I want to use my arms to extend God's love to them. I want to hold them and cry with them and tell them it's all going to be okay, because God loves them, and He can fix everything if you only ask and believe that He can. That's what I want.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Productivity
I feel productive, even though I got up at noon today. I've done a lot in the past 2 and a half hours. I called April to remind her about Prism. I went to the laundry matt to do my laundry because my washer is busted. I went and got some lunch. I brought my wet laundry home and threw it in the dryer. And after I'm done typing this up, I have to go get gas, go get Krystal from school, get a newspaper, make a copy ofa picture, take a shower, and head to drama. Then after drama, I believe we are finally setting up our Christmas tree.
I love Christmas. This year is different, though. I mean, Christmas is definately not what it used to be when I was younger, in my childlike eyes. This year, for me, it's all about giving. I don't really care what I get in return, if I get anything. I'll admit that past Christmas's I've been a bit selfish, but I'm over that. I want to give those I care about something that will truly make them happy, and that's hard for some people. I don't know what would make some of my friends happy, especially my friends who need to be happy, truly happy.
I'm praying for miracles this Christmas. I'm praying that those who feel lost and lonely will feel wanted and loved. Those who need a touch from God get it. I pray for the reuniting for broken families, the mending of broken hearts, and the kindness of strangers.
In Jesus's name,
Amen
I love Christmas. This year is different, though. I mean, Christmas is definately not what it used to be when I was younger, in my childlike eyes. This year, for me, it's all about giving. I don't really care what I get in return, if I get anything. I'll admit that past Christmas's I've been a bit selfish, but I'm over that. I want to give those I care about something that will truly make them happy, and that's hard for some people. I don't know what would make some of my friends happy, especially my friends who need to be happy, truly happy.
I'm praying for miracles this Christmas. I'm praying that those who feel lost and lonely will feel wanted and loved. Those who need a touch from God get it. I pray for the reuniting for broken families, the mending of broken hearts, and the kindness of strangers.
In Jesus's name,
Amen
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