Go On, Tell Me...

So yes, this is a song about a love relationship gone bad, where she realizes he's a jerk, yaddah yaddah. But tonight, I'm dedicating this to my family.

Tell Me Why - Taylor Swift


Can you tell I'm having a rough night?

Overflowing..

Anger has built up so much, I'm full to the brim. I'm just gonna type. Let the chips fall where they may.

Salty taste in my mouth, where's it coming from? Haven't been to the beach. I hate the beach. I don't swim in the river, it smells bad. Where is this salt taste coming from? My face it wet. With the same salty concoction. But why. Oh wait, I get it. The salty liquid is coming from my eyes. But why? What it causing these eyes to burst with tears? What is that I smell? Oh no. No no no no no. Stop, make it STOP! NOT AGAIN! God, why. You promised. You told me. How is this gonna get better now? Who am I supposed to turn to now? You moved my wall, my rock. Now I'm falling and there's no one there to catch me. The slurred words. The empty bottles. Strangers who aren't really strangers. That blank, placid look on her face. What does it remind me of? A stone. How ironic. All of these elements kicking, Kicking me while I'm down. The remarks cut open newly-healed scars ike razor blades. "They use you." "If you don't like it, then move out." "Your friends are wrong." God, why are you letting this happen!!! Please, Lord. I'm asking You to make it stop. You said if we ask we will recieve. Well I'm asking. Begging, Please, make it stop. I don't know what to do. My efforts are wasteful. Nobody hears my point. Nobody cares. They don't care. Lord. It hurts. Daddy, make it stop. It's only a matter of time before it hurts to breathe again. Before this salty liquid clouds my eyes so much I can't see. Before my brain refuses to respond to anything, including pain, and I become a zombie again, only moving when I have to. I don't want to be like that again. But you know what. I'm tired of fighting it. I'm tired of asking. I'm tired of trying to fix it. I'm just plain tired. I don't want to deal with it. Give me the broom and let me sweeo this pain under the rug that I call "Smile" or "Mask". I'm sorry, God. I give up. I can't try this anymore.It's not working. I can't let this be my problem anymore. Please, Lord. Get me out of here. Take me home. A different home. Not this home. Not with these things, not with these people. Too many memories, too many scars that are dangerously close to the razor blade. It hurts to much to fight it when they are just going to get ripped open anyway. Distract me, Lord. I don't want to turn my back on you. But this is too difficult. Maybe you'll hear if your prayer warriors ask. My voice is tired of asking. Do what you will, and I'll do my best to honor it.

Time's Up

"You have 60 days to be out."

I hate those words. On the move again. Even though we are moving literally walking distance away, it still sucks. It's not our house anymore. No more writing on the walls, all the rooms are white and plain. It's huge, though. And I get to stay in the same house at the same church and the same job. My siblings are at the same schools. I'm so thankful for that. I'm going to miss this house though. My yellow, marker colored walls will be painted over, new carpet will cover the drawings on my floor. Memories will be covered up. I will miss this house, living on Ocean Cove.

Tomorrow is the first night in my new house. I won't be driving here after work. I'll be driving over there. I'll be in yet another home. I'm really trying to be grateful that I'm in the same town, that God has blessed me with that. It'll just take some adjusting to.

Next week is Spring Break...which means a 20-hour work week for me, and a 3 day weekend! And then the next weekend is Fine Arts. So excited!

I love my job. It's amazing. God couldn't have given me a better job at this point in my life.

Loving life at the moment. I pray it stays like this forever!

You Found Me

"Where were you when everything was falling apart?
Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded.
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me.
Why'd you have to wait to find me?"

I think I pretty much just figured out why I can never say no to people...
Because if I say no, they might stop asking me to do stuff all together, and I don't want that. I just don't want this load by myself. I have so much I was asked to do and not enough time to do it. It's so overwhelming. And I can't say no now, because I already said yes. And if I don't do it, that's more everyone else has to do. Everyone else who has a job or school. I feel like such a bum, such a failure, so rejected, because I can't find a freaking job. Out of all the applications I've filled out, I've had 1 interview. I feel so bad. I'm so stressed out, for what? Nothing...I shouldn't have to do all this myself. I should just learn to man up and say no.

"Why'd you have to wait to find me?"

Sarah. Sarah Anne.

So yesterday was Craig's bonfire. This is for you.

Before the Bonfire, Aly, Lisa, and I were walking in the woods. We made another video for you, but apparently I can't post 2 videos in one post, so I'll post it in another blog sometime.

I miss you lots. Waiting for a day when you get online and aren't bombarded with IMs so I can have an actual conversation with you. Maybe even put my webcam to work:) I'd like to see your smiling face. Hope life over there gets better every day. Hope your flat mates are getting along well. They seem nice from the smiles in your pictures. Um...not sure what else to say except that I hope to talk to you soon, and I miss you. But I already said that. Oh wait...one more thing...

Newest Addition

Newest member of my family.

Lydia Jade Noach. Born December 22, 2008. I met her Tuesday Morning.
I love her.
Here is me and her with big sister Kairi Rose.

She looks so much like Kairi when she was born.

She's Beautiful. Love you, Lydia.

Just One of Those Days...

So my mother has 4 herniated discs in her back from the car accident in November. Fabulous. I need a job. Desperately. Praying for this job at the hospital. God will provide. I'm praying this is how He's providing. Also praying He provides a house for my extended family. Soon. I've realized that pretty much all of these posts on here aren't "happy", and are pretty much depressing. But, I don't care. This is my outlet. My venting place. Where I spill because nobody is listening.

On the positive side, my purity ring finally came in. I get it tomorrow. I'm excited.

Still praying for you Sarah. Pastor Grant has talked about and prayed for you in 180 the past two weeks. Know that you are loved. You are loved a lot.

Sporadic thoughts. Don't know what to write about first. Not sure what to say about anything.
In the last week, I have felt my relationship with God growing. Slowly, but surely. I love Him more and more each day. I love to sing His praises.
Mayce and I have decided that we don't talk enough. We are going to try to change that. We've also decided to go see Bride Wars as our birthday presents to ourselves. It should be fun. I miss hanging out with Mayce.
I can't fine the journal I took to Ireland. I found tea bags, rocks, a book, socks, leftover Euros, all this stuff I brought back from Ireland, yet I can't find the journal I wrote in over there. And I know I brought it back. This angers me.
I have a feeling my aunt and her family are going to move back to New Hampshire as soon as they get their income tax. I'm not sure how I feel about that. At this point, I just want them out of my house. But I don't necessarily want them to go back up north. They have nothing there.
Speaking of, my uncle's court date is coming up. My sister's been subpoenaed. She doesn't want to go. She'd afraid that my aunt and uncle are just going to blame her again. I told her as long as she tells the truth, she won't get in trouble, and if they are angry, they can be angry with him, because he was an idiot that night.
Aly and I are trying to plan a trip to go see Becka and Janelle over Spring Break. It's in the making. Nothing's definite.
I might be going to the TWLOHA Presents Heavy and Light on Sunday. Maybe. Hopefully. It'll be my first TWLOHA event. Hoping I get approval. It will be amazing.
Lovely's in AU. I'm excited to see what God's going to do in her while she's there. Looking forward to the posts and emails. Love you, Lovely. See you in December!

Please...

Can't I just be happy? I mean, why am I like this? I have no reason to be as upset as I am. Absolutely none. I can't remember a time when I was this unhappy for this long. It feels worse then the anniversary of when my grandma died. Worse then when I thought my dad was going to die. I feel like screaming and throwing things and punching the wall until my hand is bruised, anything to get my mind off of being unhappy. Why is satan attacking me? Honestly, what importance am I to him? I'm nothing. He doesn't care about me, he only cares about getting to God, so why toy with me? I don't understand this!!!! I just want it to stop!! I want to be happy!! God, why can't I get out of this?! Why won't You tell me how! Tell me what to do! I feel like You don't care. I hate being like this. I hate it! I hate crying for no reason, and I really have no legitimate reason. I hate insanely crying and then 5 seconds later I'm fine. In the time it's taken me to type this post, I've had about 3 breakdowns. I don't know what to do. I don't like being like this. It's scary. So so scary. I feel like I'm never going to be happy again.

I wish I could talk to Nicky. How I wish I would have gone to see her when I had the chance. I miss her so much, even though I didn't even see her for the last couple years of her life. Now I'll never see her again. I'm sorry, Nicky, I'm so so sorry. I don't know why I didn't come to see you, but I miss you, so much.

God, please. At this point, I'm not asking anymore...I'm begging. Please. I just want to be happy. I don't want to be like this anymore. It's draining me. I want to get closer to You, love You more, but I don't know how. Reading my Bible doesn't seem to help me. Isn't that weird? The book that has all the answers, and I can't find mine. I'm not mocking You, You know my heart. I'm hurting. My tear ducts are sore. I just want to be happy. I just...I want this all to stop... Please, Daddy...please. Make it stop...

2009

This New Year's has been the best, by far. Friends, RockBand, vandalizing, volley ball. Ah-mazing. This has been the best 24-hour peroid I've had in a long time. I'm thankful that we've made it to the new year. This past year hasn't been the best. here were good point in it, like turning 18, graduation, Ireland, but in general, I'm glad to see this year go. I don't make resolutions, because New Year's Day is just another day. But I promise myself I am going to try to live this year like it's the last, because you never know. You really don't. I'm praying I'll get closer to God. If nothing else happens, I want this more than anything. I'm also praying that this super fantastic amazing day that I had is the worst day I have all year.

Lord, I pray this year is a year of change. I pray this year is Your year. I pray that everything I do this year glorifies You. I want to please You. Only You.